January 5, 2014

2014 || 31



These first days of the new year have had me optimistic and anxious all at once. I have felt the usual obligatory optimism that comes with a new year, an opportunity to turn a new leaf but the occasional negative thought does creep in... What if this year is another let down? I wallowed in this for a while until I realised that I really cannot see into the future (try as I might) so I suppose all any one of us can do is summon all the hope we can muster that 2014 will be a year that brings miracles. I have two big huge goals for 2014 and try as I might to keep my focus on those goals I often feel like they're both impossible and I just can't do it. 

Goal #1 
Get pregnant. Stay pregnant. Give birth to a live baby. 
(okay maybe that's three goals)  I think I'm still in disbelief that we don't have a baby yet. We are creeping up to the 2.5 year mark and running out of steam so to mark that milestone we have made an appointment with our OBGYN. I have been researching fertility drugs and intend on asking our doctor if we can try one. Actually, I will probably demand such (we have not received the diagnosis of infertile but in some cases like ours Clomid is reported to help) . I have devoted a great deal of myself to this quest for a baby and with each loss I have also lost giant portions of myself. I have learnt to relax, meditate and to say 'no' to things more often. My life is very simple these days and I feel like I have simplified too. The question is, how much do I really need to change before we get our miracle? I have been told time and time again not to stress and I have managed to wipe buckets, if not gallons, out of my life but I also fear that I'm squashing parts of me in this quest. Trying to get pregnant, falling pregnant and then losing a baby invades all aspects of your life. I have put off so much and said no to so many things including too much work related. I recently met a woman who struggled to conceive for 7 years. 7 whole years. Fuck that. Life is so cruel. I cannot imagine the heartache she and her husband went through for those years. They have the cutest little boy now and are such a happy little family of three. Stories like those give me hope and scare me at the same time. How much of themselves did they lose in the process? I really did hope that handling things differently this time around would prove to be successful for us but it hasn't happened yet. I've had weekly acupuncture, taken my Chinese herbs as told, meditated frequently, quit the gym to walk most days with Dan, participated in therapy with a psychologist and even hypnosis. I can vouch for all these things and have seen improvements in my physical and emotional wellbeing but really, why me? Why do I have to spend all this time and money devoted to the 'trying' part of getting pregnant? It baffles me. Our doctor says we have just had a really bad run with luck in terms of both pregnancies and has no idea why it takes me so long to fall pregnant. Some days I am tempted to give up on this dream entirely and work at achieving a really ripped body, work hard, earn lots of money and invest in a designer wardrobe. I'm not sure I could ever resolve myself to that but some days it's tempting. 

31 is days away. Our doctor says we should be done having a family by 35. I want three children and feel like that dream is slipping from me as each cycle passes. We really need some better luck. I hope luck finds us soon.


Goal #2
Finish the PhD.
If nothing else, this is something that must happen in 2014. I am going to get the damn thing written, submitted and passed so I can at least continue to progress in my career. Personal life definitely impedes upon writing a thesis. I took four months off from this after losing the baby and it did me a lot of good but it has also been hard to pick up where I left off. Must get the thesis written... Must get the thesis written.

Bonus Goal #3 
Be more of myself.
I really have lost giant parts of me. I am determined to beat those awful feelings that sweep over me so easily some days. Instead of letting it all swallow me I really hope to enjoy even more of life again. 

6 comments:

  1. I really really hope 2014 is your year Sal. I know it is hard to keep your life full and keep going when everything is focused on that one goal but you will get there xx

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  2. Goodluck with this year Sal. It's been a tough journey for you...

    I had my first baby at 32 after believing for many years that it may be impossible for me to fall pregnant. And I'm almost 37 now with almost 3 children. If you had of asked me when I was 27 that by 37 I would have three children, I wouldn't have believed you. Miracles happen.

    I can understand your feelings about all the trying and investing in trying. I gave up on all that. I used to think, why the hell do I have to be in pristine condition when millions of women get pregnant without even attempting to look after themselves. So I gave that mindset up. So liberating :)

    Take care and much love to you for 2014 x

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  3. Oh I've missed you beautiful lady! Sending lots of love your way for an amazing 2014.
    I don't think you will lose parts of yourself during this battle, life is all about the challenges and how they shape us so instead of thinking about it as losing something just think about it as change.
    I hope it all comes together for you this year, you're looking beautiful.
    xoxo

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  4. Very best of luck achieving both your goals this year. I hope 2014 brings you all the joy you deserve. Did you get some answers/solutions from your docs?
    That is a really lovely photo of you

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  5. I understand what you mean about investing so much of yourself to become pregnant and it dominating your life. Know that you are doing as much as you can and try to have a break from it sometimes or it can become too overbearing and putting too much pressure on yourself. I wish you all the very best for 2014 xxx

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  6. I've been a long time reader of your blog. I hope everything is going well for you and Daniel. Would love to hear an update xx

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Thank you for visiting Daniel and I. I love hearing from you! Sal x

p.s. Own your words Anonymous.