I've been thinking about what I would put into this post for some time now... I thought some of you may be wondering how I'm doing and where we're up to.
Along with thinking about this post I have been trying to come up with an answer... I am not sure I have one to be honest but I'll ramble here for a bit and see if it fills you in to a degree.
I still think the worst of grief hits you over and over again for the first three months (at least) after a loss and it shrouds everything you do. Then, you begin to feel a little lighter again and start to focus on other things in life more too. The thing is though that when you lose a pregnancy you also lose the plans that you set in place for yourself whilst pregnant...
No, I can't go to that Coldplay concert in late November - I will be almost full term!
I won't be at Christmas celebrations this year - hell, I could still be in hospital!
Are you crazy? No, not having a 30th birthday celebration, I will have a two week old infant!
I've been battling these reminders of what we don't have frequently and it makes me sad. I still have many sad moments and I think I have cried more this year than I ever have in my entire life. I cry when I need to which can be when I'm doing anything; vacuuming, replying to emails or going for a walk - you get the idea. To be honest, I don't really care because if I bottle it up, my glands hurt and I literally ache from the inside - I just need to get it out!
We have been trying to get pregnant ever since our loss and it feels like a millennia. Don't get me wrong, I understand that other's try for years with no success and my heart aches for those people. Trying to conceive a baby is a life changing thing and once you've opened up your heart to the idea of a little person in your life, not having them there hurts desperately. There are times when I feel so optimistic and positive that it will happen for us and others when I just feel so down that I can't bear it. Balancing out my emotions and expectations has possibly been the hardest thing of all of this.
Daniel and I have adopted a new phrasing for all this and have replaced 'trying to conceive' with 'preparing for our next pregnancy'. We have purposefully done this as I was beginning to feel that all of the good things we have been doing and changes we have made were all just in vain and I couldn't imagine it ending in a healthy baby. Healthy babies are what other people get, not us. What a damn horrible thing to tell yourself! So yes, we are preparing for our next pregnancy and doing everything in our power for a natural conception that leads to a healthy baby. We think it sounds much more optimistic and has helped me deal with everything a lot more.
That said, I am still baffled about why it happened to us and with our December due date looming I still think about our baby and the image I saw at our first ultrasound. A pregnancy loss is certainly something that you never get over.
I am not sure this entry will help anyone in anyway but I suppose the message to other ladies is this: You are definitely not alone and you are definitely allowed to be sad, angry, frustrated etc. about the whole thing. Nature is an unpredictable beast!