Blog on hiatus

Dear fellow bloggers and followers, 

Thank you so much to those of you who have stuck around during my absence from this space - I really appreciate it. Last year you all saw me through a very tough time; this space became my outlet to vent, to scream at the universe and to reach out to fellow women who understood every pang of pain that sliced my heart. Thank you so much for seeing me through some of my darkest days and for buoying me up when I couldn't see daylight from cloud. 

These last few weeks I have been reflecting on what this space is now and where it might go. I have considered deleting the whole blog and putting my blogging days to rest but I have decided that I  really value the friendships that this medium has allowed me to cultivate and the lives that I enter each time I login and read a post. So this blog will remain.

That said, I am continuing on with my hiatus until I feel that I am ready to dive back in again. This is all part of my continued healing you see. I need to step back from things and just focus on me. I am trying my best. My close friends are finally saying that I seem like 'me' again... Whoever she is... I am equal parts sad and happy to hear this - it has been such a hard road to move on. I will say that I am happy that 2012, my year of doom, is far behind me now. Looking forward feels good and not knowing what life has around the corner has some charm again.

See you soon my dear friends x

Here's to a new and better year!

The last seven months of 2012 were some of the hardest I have ever endured. I had not expected the grief I felt to take me over as it did and it also took over this space... Thank you, dear readers for your kind words when my heart felt heavy, you were all such an amazing support. I literally had times when I thought I could not go on and your messages of hope were one of the things that got me through. THANK YOU.

With the ending of one year I feel like the beginning of another is a chance to move on and focus on possibilities. We have many days not yet lived and who knows what they might hold in store for us? This year holds promise and I intend to sway the odds in our direction for all good things... That means I will be working hard and plotting some new goals while I'm at it. 

I came across this project while searching the interwebs this morning; you write down each good thing that happened to you throughout the year and put it in the jar to then be read at the end of 2013...

 I'm off to buy a jar for myself today, I need to focus on the positive things that this year brings. 

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May this year be an excellent one for you all! xx

December project fail

Well, I think I have successfully proven that I am not cut out for blogging every day! This time of year has proven to be blissfully hectic and just what the doctor ordered for me. I feel like my head has been transported to another space in time and my focus has shifted to work and other pursuits. I have realised that I don't have to focus on the sad side of this month every single day and that I can throw myself into other things. I worry about what will happen when this feeling subsides but I am confident in my ability to ask for support from Daniel and my close friends. 

That said, I am probably acting a little differently this year... I have chosen not to put our Christmas tree up and I am much more nonchalant about getting organised for Christmas. I am choosing to see Christmas/New years as a chance to have a break before I begin the writing-up phase of my doctoral research and to take some time out for me. The truth is, I think I'm so exhausted from feeling so sad for so long that I just need a break from my emotions too... I am hoping that going to the beach with my family and eating Christmas turkey in 30C heat will be enough to recoup me for what I hope is a stellar year for Daniel and I. We certainly haven't given up this year even though life felt like it was kicking us when we were down... We've had a multitude of crap to wade through this year including lost teaching contracts (no car buying for me), our rental up for sale (open houses every weekend!) and the death of my grandfather late last month. 

Despite it all we're still together and our bond is even stronger; our communication this year deserves an A+. Go us! 

^^^ December project- Day 7^^^

I love that I am an independent person. 

I have never regretted moving myself to the UK and travelling the world on my own when I was in my early 20s. I saw some amazing things and met amazing people. What more could you ask for?

A few random photos from my many thousands for you all... 

Genuine Parisian jazz band 

Venice

Pompeii ruins

The blue grotto in the south of Italy

Florence

My excellent picture that violated the rules of Academia Gallery in Florence

Cinque Terre

St Emillion - wine country near Bordeaux 

NYC baby. This should be a post of it's own this month

^^^ December project - Day 5 and 6(late)^^^

 My favourite poem...

EE Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in) 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                       i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing to you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

^^^ December project - Day 4 (late)^^^

This post is dedicated to the lovely girl friends I have in my life. 

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You probably know the girls I am talking about... The ones that are there for you no matter what. The girls that text you any time of the day to make sure you're okay and you do the same for them. As the years go by you laugh together and cry together and talk about everything and anything at lengthy dinners and Sunday brunch. On your birthday they make a fuss, even when you don't want to make a fuss. When there's a big event coming up, they share your stress over what to wear and admire the photos you text them of your complete outfit.

I feel so lucky to have a handful of these amazing women in my life. I have no idea what I did to find these women but I am so glad I managed to do so. 

Friendship really is the best.

^^^ December project - Day 3^^^

Our wedding

Daniel and I discussed the whole eloping to get married idea after our engagement - it seemed alluring and romantic. 

I am so glad we didn't elope though! It was such a beautiful day and I am so happy we got to share it with our close friends and family. My family in particular love to reminisce over the day and I love that. 

^^^ December project - day 2 ^^^

I am a big huge fan of many bands but Pearl Jam has had me for a very long time now. 

I love the opening guitar sequence of this song. 

^ ^ ^ My December project ^ ^ ^

The thought of this month has plagued me since June and now, inevitably, December is upon us.

To remind me of what I really appreciate and what I'm thankful for I intend to post about one thing per day that I love for this month. 

I realise this space has become a little gloomy of late but I needed a space to be able to reflect, document and work through what we are experiencing. Thanks to those of you who have shared your thoughts, well wishes and experiences - it has all helped me get through the last few (excruciating) months. 

Without further ado,

1. My wonderful husband.

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This guy has been amazing since forever. I am so amazingly blessed to have him in my life and I squeeze him tight every day almost all day because I cherish him so much. He really has kept me going these last few months and I am so lucky to have him in my life.

* Photo from Diner en Blanc... Dinner outside dressed from head to toe in white... A fun night with friends and something I would have declined without Daniel's enthusiasm.

How I am?

I've been thinking about what I would put into this post for some time now... I thought some of you may be wondering how I'm doing and where we're up to.

Along with thinking about this post I have been trying to come up with an answer... I am not sure I have one to be honest but I'll ramble here for a bit and see if it fills you in to a degree.

I still think the worst of grief hits you over and over again for the first three months (at least) after a loss and it shrouds everything you do. Then, you begin to feel a little lighter again and start to focus on other things in life more too. The thing is though that when you lose a pregnancy you also lose the plans that you set in place for yourself whilst pregnant... 

For example;

No, I can't go to that Coldplay concert in late November - I will be almost full term!

I won't be at Christmas celebrations this year - hell, I could still be in hospital! 

Are you crazy? No, not having a 30th birthday celebration, I will have a two week old infant!

I've been battling these reminders of what we don't have frequently and it makes me sad. I still have many sad moments and I think I have cried more this year than I ever have in my entire life. I cry when I need to which can be when I'm doing anything; vacuuming, replying to emails or going for a walk - you get the idea. To be honest, I don't really care because if I bottle it up, my glands hurt and I literally ache from the inside - I just need to get it out!

We have been trying to get pregnant ever since our loss and it feels like a millennia. Don't get me wrong, I understand that other's try for years with no success and my heart aches for those people. Trying to conceive a baby is a life changing thing and once you've opened up your heart to the idea of a little person in your life, not having them there hurts desperately. There are times when I feel so optimistic and positive that it will happen for us and others when I just feel so down that I can't bear it. Balancing out my emotions and expectations has possibly been the hardest thing of all of this. 

Daniel and I have adopted a new phrasing for all this and have replaced 'trying to conceive' with 'preparing for our next pregnancy'. We have purposefully done this as I was beginning to feel that all of the good things we have been doing and changes we have made were all just in vain and I couldn't imagine it ending in a healthy baby. Healthy babies are what other people get, not us. What a damn horrible thing to tell yourself! So yes, we are preparing for our next pregnancy and doing everything in our power for a natural conception that leads to a healthy baby. We think it sounds much more optimistic and has helped me deal with everything a lot more. 

That said, I am still baffled about why it happened to us and with our December due date looming I still think about our baby and the image I saw at our first ultrasound. A pregnancy loss is certainly something that you never get over.

I am not sure this entry will help anyone in anyway but I suppose the message to other ladies is this: You are definitely not alone and you are definitely allowed to be sad, angry, frustrated etc. about the whole thing. Nature is an unpredictable beast! 

Looking forward to the weekend already...

This young gal is coming to stay! It's been a long time since we've had some quality sister time so I can't wait! I'm hoping she will also be able to help me with my summer sandal quest - I desperately need new shoes. 

T.I.R.E.D

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This morning I woke up at 3.40 A-M to pee and never got back to sleep...

One word can describe how I feel:

YUCK. 

Now I have to travel to the coast for a symposium and sound like I know what I'm talking about for at least 8 whole hours. 

YUCK.

I do hope that where ever you are in the world, you have been blessed with a substantial number of hours rest.