Baby Size: A grape/kidney bean. Total weight gain/loss: Not sure but I will update after our appointment with our new OB on Wednesday.
Maternity clothes? Not yet but I have ordered some cute things on ASOS... Couldn't resist! Stretch marks? No. Sleep: Still loving my sleep but I'm over my hips hurting so much through the night. I think a body pillow will be a purchase very soon! Symptoms: Tired ( I've had at least an hour long nap each day), breasts are tender and growing (exciting for this small chested gal!), peeing all the time, hungry, MOODY (poor Dan), emotional (this week I cried at a Nescafe ad and a lemon because it reminded me of my Nanna...), skin breakouts, some nausea but only occasionally, hip pain, possible round ligament pain but I need to check with our doctor on this... Best moment this week: Reaching 8 weeks!
Have you told family and friends: No one new. We are waiting until the second trimester to tell anyone else. Miss Anything? Not a thing! Movement: Not yet but I just cannot wait! Food cravings: Hot chocolate/hot cocoa, hamburgers, fruit, today I have been longing for a piece of chocolate cake or a chocolate biscuit. Anything making you queasy or sick: Yes. Cooking dinner the other night but I battled through! The smell or thought of soy, deep fried foods and others but they have slipped my mind! Have you started to show yet: Not really but I think my stomach is growing. Gender prediction: I am still team pink although I do wonder if my huge appetite means a boy? Labor Signs: No although the round ligament/weird abdominal pains are off putting Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody! :-( Looking forward to: Our OB appointment on Wednesday! I am so, so nervous and excited all at once about this. I just want to see a healthy baby on that ultrasound with a beautiful beating heart. I admit to really getting nothing done today... I just want to keep myself busy before Wednesday so I took myself manchester shopping!
Baby buys: I found an organic baby wear sale on my walk last Friday, ah the joys of living in the inner-city! Daniel and I went back later and found some cute basic things like sleeping bags and little onsies. We did say that we weren't going to buy anything until after 20 weeks this time but I don't feel it's necessary to hold back anymore. No more clothing now until we know the sex - our child will be dressed exclusively in cream, white or grey otherwise!
Not such a great photo but next week I will have our DSLR mastered! I think you can see an increase between last week and this week... Excuse the unmade bed!
I decided to try and make these posts weekly until I run out of things to share... These tips are a far cry from posts about the latest fashion trends I like but I think they can certainly still be considered part of a blog that can be semi-categorised as a lifestyle blog.
We tried for what felt like a lifetime to achieve this second pregnancy. As each month went by my moods would fluctuate but my toolbox of information grew exponentially. I feel now that I have the wisdom that my own mother has naturally when it comes to falling pregnant (I am the eldest of five) and I feel it silly to waste what I have learnt so here goes for my first post in this series...
A day on the lounge with my iPhone and nothing on TV saw me downloading some books to the Kindle App on my phone... To be honest I'm not sure how I got to that point and I suppose it does not really matter. Anyway, I was having a tough time in the lead up to Mother's Day and I needed more. I needed support, I needed greater information, I needed a plan, I needed to fall pregnant! That is when I found this book:
I consider this a moment akin to finding gold. Emma is an acupuncturist and a traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) practitioner in Chelsea, London. After reading her book I wanted to fly to London! Given that was not really a practical option (although a visit back to England would be great one day!), I committed myself to following the advice laid out in this book. I downloaded the book in early May and by early June I got my positive test... Thank you, Emma!
The basic aim of Emma's book is to introduce the reader to TCM and for you to work at improving your fertility all by yourself. The outlines of what you can do are separated by each phase of your cycle that include lifestyle, exercise, food, recipes and other tips and techniques. I followed her advice for my 'type' wholeheartedly, although I did put off the expense of acupuncture for later (I am now seeing an acupuncturist to ensure this little one stays healthy).
To be honest, a lot of Emma's plan felt like self-nurturing to the degree that we women typically think of as selfish. I would eat three hot meals a day that I spent time preparing rather than eating so many raw foods, I would repeat affirmations all day to myself and I would sit with my heat pack on my lower belly for an hour every afternoon between 4-6pm watching Ellen with a cup of hot cocoa. Really, this baby was conceived out of pure relaxation and love; love between two people and some self-love in there too.
I am happy to answer any questions that you may have but I strongly recommend this book to anyone who is trying for pregnancy or simply wanting to improve their natural fertility.
Happy Monday lovelies! I hope you all enjoyed a nice weekend!
I have decided to post a pregnancy update each week for my own memory recording (and for those of you who are interested to follow along also). If you are interested in doing the same, I found this format on the blog: Schue Love and have also modified it a little.
How far along? 7 weeks spot-on today! Baby Size: A blueberry
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure on this one. My first weigh-in at the doctors office saw me at 56.1kgs Maternity clothes? No! Although I am favouring elastic waist bands - purely for comfort! Stretch marks? Not yet. Fingers crossed on this one...
Sleep: Yep. Could sleep all day. Symptoms: My skin has just started to break out :-(, tired!, I'm ace at peeing, a little moody at times, sore breasts, bloated, sore hips and occasionally sore pubic bone... Lucky me, I have done some research on this last one and it seems sore hips will be here to stay until the baby is born. I am finding relief from acupuncture, quick massages from Daniel and sleeping with a pillow between my legs. Best moment this week: Feeling pregnancy symptoms! These are such reassuring signs to us that things are progressing as they should. And, Daniel suggesting we take the plunge and buy a DSLR. I have wanted a great camera for a while so we have treated this as our first 'baby' purchase - we want to capture all of those great moments in beautiful photos come next year!
Have you told family and friends: Have told my work supervisors, three close girlfriends and one of my sisters. Everyone else will be told when we hit the 'safe zone'. Miss Anything? Not really, although I did find myself wanting a glass of wine with Daniel the other night... I would never indulge but I was surprised by the craving! Movement: Not yet! Cannot wait though! Food cravings: Hot cocoa has been a consistent one but I have rarely indulged until I check with our OB. I have also found bananas, porridge, milk (usually smoothies), apples and cheese to be amazing! Anything making you queasy or sick: The smell of Asian food :-(, anything deep fried, talk of dried fish at dinner the other night with friends. Have you started to show yet: No but I'm looking forward to it! Gender prediction: Standing firm on the girl prediction. Daniel is remaining undecided. Labor Signs: Hell no. Belly Button in or out? In. I have an extreme 'in' belly button so this one will be interesting! Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: A definite combination of both. Earlier on in the pregnancy I was very happy all the time but this week I have gradually become moodier! Poor Daniel! Looking forward to: Our first OB appointment and ultrasound NEXT week!! Fingers, toes and everything else crossed that it goes well...
Sorry for the iPhone picture... Better photos to come as I practice on our new DSLR! Not much to show just yet and what you can see is probably pregnancy bloat!
Throughout our journey to conceive our little one I read many stories of women 'just knowing' they were pregnant or just having a 'great feeling about a particular cycle' and in response to such stories my internal dialogue usually went something like this: "What a load of BS... F^%$ off"... I definitely had a lot of anger brewing inside me... The last couple of days though I have been thinking a lot about 'women's' intuition or more specifically, my mumma-tuition... Certain things have happened that really do provide proof to the pudding (so to speak) lately.
I can vouch for that feeling of 'just knowing' I was pregnant before I even took a test and boy, did I have a good feeling about this cycle. I suppose the first incident that really grabbed me and acted as a signal to say: this month is different, chill out! was Mother's Day in May. The lead-up to this day was particularly hard for me... I felt that I was robbed of this day of celebration and just the year before I was pregnant; my jeans got tighter that day and I had seen my baby on ultrasound, alive and well, just two days prior. My family do not know about our loss so I was struggling to find it in my heart to spend this day with them. In the end though I decided that spending such a day with the people I love was worth more to me than sitting at home crying (I have spent months of my life doing so!). Anyway, on with the story...
We had made plans for breakfast in a cosy café by the beach which meant an early start and an hour of driving for me by myself. From the second I got into the car I saw signs all around me... I saw our obstetrician on her morning run (switching doctors for this pregnancy but that is another post!) which always makes me think of our lost baby and with that on my mind, I saw rainbows! Great, big, wonderful freaking rainbows! across the sky for my entire drive down the coast. I felt like the morning was electric and the universe was finally behind me in my quest. I know it sounds a little silly, but for me it was the equivalent of a reassuring hand on my shoulder. There were other little things that happened in May also... A lost Christmas card showed up in the mail from a co-worker expressing her well-wishes for a much better 2013, the mention of rainbows all the time... little things that spoke to me.
As for more intuitive feelings... I have a strong mumma sense that we are having a girl this time. I suppose I have a 50/50 chance either way so we'll see in good time! I also have a really good feeling about this pregnancy and I'm choosing to trust in that rather than worry.
I'm curious, have you experienced these sorts of feelings before? What did your mumma-tuition tell you?
Thank you to those of you who have continued to follow this blog in my absence this year. Your messages of support and encouragement through what has been a very challenging part of our lives is forever appreciated.
Without further ado I would like to share some very exciting news with you all... (Drum roll)
Daniel and I are happy to announce that come February of next year we will be welcoming a third member to our family!
I have dreamed about seeing those two pink lines for such a long time so I just had to share! We are now six weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby!!!!
I know it's only early days yet but with my return to this space I hope to share my pregnancy journey and also share on what it is that I have been doing these past few months in hopes that my experiences may help a reader or someone you know. A dialogue on pregnancy after miscarriage is hard to find so I intend to offer what I can of my experience. For the moment though, I can safely say that I feel very calm in this pregnancy and my intuition tells me that this is a strong baby.
Thank you so much to those of you who have stuck around during my absence from this space - I really appreciate it. Last year you all saw me through a very tough time; this space became my outlet to vent, to scream at the universe and to reach out to fellow women who understood every pang of pain that sliced my heart. Thank you so much for seeing me through some of my darkest days and for buoying me up when I couldn't see daylight from cloud.
These last few weeks I have been reflecting on what this space is now and where it might go. I have considered deleting the whole blog and putting my blogging days to rest but I have decided that I really value the friendships that this medium has allowed me to cultivate and the lives that I enter each time I login and read a post. So this blog will remain.
That said, I am continuing on with my hiatus until I feel that I am ready to dive back in again. This is all part of my continued healing you see. I need to step back from things and just focus on me. I am trying my best. My close friends are finally saying that I seem like 'me' again... Whoever she is... I am equal parts sad and happy to hear this - it has been such a hard road to move on. I will say that I am happy that 2012, my year of doom, is far behind me now. Looking forward feels good and not knowing what life has around the corner has some charm again.
The last seven months of 2012 were some of the hardest I have ever endured. I had not expected the grief I felt to take me over as it did and it also took over this space... Thank you, dear readers for your kind words when my heart felt heavy, you were all such an amazing support. I literally had times when I thought I could not go on and your messages of hope were one of the things that got me through. THANK YOU.
With the ending of one year I feel like the beginning of another is a chance to move on and focus on possibilities. We have many days not yet lived and who knows what they might hold in store for us? This year holds promise and I intend to sway the odds in our direction for all good things... That means I will be working hard and plotting some new goals while I'm at it.
I came across this project while searching the interwebs this morning; you write down each good thing that happened to you throughout the year and put it in the jar to then be read at the end of 2013...
I'm off to buy a jar for myself today, I need to focus on the positive things that this year brings.
I've been thinking about what I would put into this post for some time now... I thought some of you may be wondering how I'm doing and where we're up to.
Along with thinking about this post I have been trying to come up with an answer... I am not sure I have one to be honest but I'll ramble here for a bit and see if it fills you in to a degree.
I still think the worst of grief hits you over and over again for the first three months (at least) after a loss and it shrouds everything you do. Then, you begin to feel a little lighter again and start to focus on other things in life more too. The thing is though that when you lose a pregnancy you also lose the plans that you set in place for yourself whilst pregnant...
No, I can't go to that Coldplay concert in late November - I will be almost full term!
I won't be at Christmas celebrations this year - hell, I could still be in hospital!
Are you crazy? No, not having a 30th birthday celebration, I will have a two week old infant!
I've been battling these reminders of what we don't have frequently and it makes me sad. I still have many sad moments and I think I have cried more this year than I ever have in my entire life. I cry when I need to which can be when I'm doing anything; vacuuming, replying to emails or going for a walk - you get the idea. To be honest, I don't really care because if I bottle it up, my glands hurt and I literally ache from the inside - I just need to get it out!
We have been trying to get pregnant ever since our loss and it feels like a millennia. Don't get me wrong, I understand that other's try for years with no success and my heart aches for those people. Trying to conceive a baby is a life changing thing and once you've opened up your heart to the idea of a little person in your life, not having them there hurts desperately. There are times when I feel so optimistic and positive that it will happen for us and others when I just feel so down that I can't bear it. Balancing out my emotions and expectations has possibly been the hardest thing of all of this.
Daniel and I have adopted a new phrasing for all this and have replaced 'trying to conceive' with 'preparing for our next pregnancy'. We have purposefully done this as I was beginning to feel that all of the good things we have been doing and changes we have made were all just in vain and I couldn't imagine it ending in a healthy baby. Healthy babies are what other people get, not us. What a damn horrible thing to tell yourself! So yes, we are preparing for our next pregnancy and doing everything in our power for a natural conception that leads to a healthy baby. We think it sounds much more optimistic and has helped me deal with everything a lot more.
That said, I am still baffled about why it happened to us and with our December due date looming I still think about our baby and the image I saw at our first ultrasound. A pregnancy loss is certainly something that you never get over.
I am not sure this entry will help anyone in anyway but I suppose the message to other ladies is this: You are definitely not alone and you are definitely allowed to be sad, angry, frustrated etc. about the whole thing. Nature is an unpredictable beast!
This young gal is coming to stay! It's been a long time since we've had some quality sister time so I can't wait! I'm hoping she will also be able to help me with my summer sandal quest - I desperately need new shoes.