January 5, 2014

2014 || 31



These first days of the new year have had me optimistic and anxious all at once. I have felt the usual obligatory optimism that comes with a new year, an opportunity to turn a new leaf but the occasional negative thought does creep in... What if this year is another let down? I wallowed in this for a while until I realised that I really cannot see into the future (try as I might) so I suppose all any one of us can do is summon all the hope we can muster that 2014 will be a year that brings miracles. I have two big huge goals for 2014 and try as I might to keep my focus on those goals I often feel like they're both impossible and I just can't do it. 

Goal #1 
Get pregnant. Stay pregnant. Give birth to a live baby. 
(okay maybe that's three goals)  I think I'm still in disbelief that we don't have a baby yet. We are creeping up to the 2.5 year mark and running out of steam so to mark that milestone we have made an appointment with our OBGYN. I have been researching fertility drugs and intend on asking our doctor if we can try one. Actually, I will probably demand such (we have not received the diagnosis of infertile but in some cases like ours Clomid is reported to help) . I have devoted a great deal of myself to this quest for a baby and with each loss I have also lost giant portions of myself. I have learnt to relax, meditate and to say 'no' to things more often. My life is very simple these days and I feel like I have simplified too. The question is, how much do I really need to change before we get our miracle? I have been told time and time again not to stress and I have managed to wipe buckets, if not gallons, out of my life but I also fear that I'm squashing parts of me in this quest. Trying to get pregnant, falling pregnant and then losing a baby invades all aspects of your life. I have put off so much and said no to so many things including too much work related. I recently met a woman who struggled to conceive for 7 years. 7 whole years. Fuck that. Life is so cruel. I cannot imagine the heartache she and her husband went through for those years. They have the cutest little boy now and are such a happy little family of three. Stories like those give me hope and scare me at the same time. How much of themselves did they lose in the process? I really did hope that handling things differently this time around would prove to be successful for us but it hasn't happened yet. I've had weekly acupuncture, taken my Chinese herbs as told, meditated frequently, quit the gym to walk most days with Dan, participated in therapy with a psychologist and even hypnosis. I can vouch for all these things and have seen improvements in my physical and emotional wellbeing but really, why me? Why do I have to spend all this time and money devoted to the 'trying' part of getting pregnant? It baffles me. Our doctor says we have just had a really bad run with luck in terms of both pregnancies and has no idea why it takes me so long to fall pregnant. Some days I am tempted to give up on this dream entirely and work at achieving a really ripped body, work hard, earn lots of money and invest in a designer wardrobe. I'm not sure I could ever resolve myself to that but some days it's tempting. 

31 is days away. Our doctor says we should be done having a family by 35. I want three children and feel like that dream is slipping from me as each cycle passes. We really need some better luck. I hope luck finds us soon.


Goal #2
Finish the PhD.
If nothing else, this is something that must happen in 2014. I am going to get the damn thing written, submitted and passed so I can at least continue to progress in my career. Personal life definitely impedes upon writing a thesis. I took four months off from this after losing the baby and it did me a lot of good but it has also been hard to pick up where I left off. Must get the thesis written... Must get the thesis written.

Bonus Goal #3 
Be more of myself.
I really have lost giant parts of me. I am determined to beat those awful feelings that sweep over me so easily some days. Instead of letting it all swallow me I really hope to enjoy even more of life again. 

July 3, 2013

Update

Today, Daniel and I met with our new and very lovely OB. We had an ultrasound and it revealed our worst fears come true... another missed miscarriage. 

We are devastated. 

July 1, 2013

Pregnancy update: 8 weeks


How far along?  8 weeks today! 
Baby Size: A grape/kidney bean.
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure but I will update after our appointment with our new OB on Wednesday.
Maternity clothes?  Not yet but I have ordered some cute things on ASOS... Couldn't resist!
Stretch marks?  No. 
Sleep: Still loving my sleep but I'm over my hips hurting so much through the night. I think a body pillow will be a purchase very soon!
Symptoms: Tired ( I've had at least an hour long nap each day), breasts are tender and growing (exciting for this small chested gal!), peeing all the time, hungry, MOODY (poor Dan), emotional (this week I cried at a Nescafe ad and a lemon because it reminded me of my Nanna...), skin breakouts, some nausea but only occasionally, hip pain, possible round ligament pain but I need to check with our doctor on this...

Best moment this week:  Reaching 8 weeks! 
Have you told family and friends:  No one new. We are waiting until the second trimester to tell anyone else. 
Miss Anything?  Not a thing!
Movement:  Not yet but I just cannot wait!
Food cravings: Hot chocolate/hot cocoa, hamburgers, fruit, today I have been longing for a piece of chocolate cake or a chocolate biscuit. 
Anything making you queasy or sick:  Yes. Cooking dinner the other night but I battled through! The smell or thought of soy, deep fried foods and others but they have slipped my mind!
Have you started to show yet: Not really but I think my stomach is growing.
Gender prediction:  I am still team pink although I do wonder if my huge appetite means a boy?
Labor Signs: No although the round ligament/weird abdominal pains are off putting
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time:  Moody! :-(
Looking forward to: Our OB appointment on Wednesday! I am so, so nervous and excited all at once about this. I just want to see a healthy baby on that ultrasound with a beautiful beating heart. I admit to really getting nothing done today... I just want to keep myself busy before Wednesday so I took myself manchester shopping! 
Baby buys: I found an organic baby wear sale on my walk last Friday, ah the joys of living in the inner-city! Daniel and I went back later and found some cute basic things like sleeping bags and little onsies. We did say that we weren't going to buy anything until after 20 weeks this time but I don't feel it's necessary to hold back anymore.  No more clothing now until we know the sex - our child will be dressed exclusively in cream, white or grey otherwise! 


Not such a great photo but next week I will have our DSLR mastered! I think you can see an increase between last week and this week... Excuse the unmade bed! 

June 24, 2013

Pregnancy update: 7 weeks

Happy Monday lovelies! I hope you all enjoyed a nice weekend!

I have decided to post a pregnancy update each week for my own memory recording (and for those of you who are interested to follow along also). If you are interested in doing the same, I found this format on the blog: Schue Love and have also modified it a little.

How far along? 7 weeks spot-on today!
Baby Size: A blueberry
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure on this one. My first weigh-in at the doctors office saw me at 56.1kgs
Maternity clothes?  No! Although I am favouring elastic waist bands - purely for comfort!
Stretch marks?  Not yet. Fingers crossed on this one... 
Sleep: Yep. Could sleep all day.
Symptoms: My skin has just started to break out :-(, tired!, I'm ace at peeing, a little moody at times, sore breasts, bloated, sore hips and occasionally sore pubic bone... Lucky me, I have done some research on this last one and it seems sore hips will be here to stay until the baby is born. I am finding relief from acupuncture, quick massages from Daniel and sleeping with a pillow between my legs. 
Best moment this week: Feeling pregnancy symptoms! These are such reassuring signs to us that things are progressing as they should. And, Daniel suggesting we take the plunge and buy a DSLR. I have wanted a great camera for a while so we have treated this as our first 'baby' purchase - we want to capture all of those great moments in beautiful photos come next year!
Have you told family and friends:  Have told my work supervisors, three close girlfriends and one of my sisters. Everyone else will be told when we hit the 'safe zone'.
Miss Anything?  Not really, although I did find myself wanting a glass of wine with Daniel the other night... I would never indulge but I was surprised by the craving!
Movement:  Not yet! Cannot wait though!
Food cravings: Hot cocoa has been a consistent one but I have rarely indulged until I check with our OB. I have also found bananas, porridge, milk (usually smoothies), apples and cheese to be amazing!
Anything making you queasy or sick:  The smell of Asian food :-(, anything deep fried, talk of dried fish at dinner the other night with friends. 
Have you started to show yet: No but I'm looking forward to it!
Gender prediction:  Standing firm on the girl prediction. Daniel is remaining undecided.
Labor Signs: Hell no.
Belly Button in or out? In. I have an extreme 'in' belly button so this one will be interesting!
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: A definite combination of both. Earlier on in the pregnancy I was very happy all the time but this week I have gradually become moodier! Poor Daniel!
Looking forward to: Our first  OB appointment and ultrasound NEXT week!! Fingers, toes and everything else crossed that it goes well... 





Sorry for the iPhone picture... Better photos to come as I practice on our new DSLR! Not much to show just yet and what you can see is probably pregnancy bloat!

June 20, 2013

Mumma-tuition



*

Throughout our journey to conceive our little one I read many stories of women 'just knowing' they were pregnant or just having a 'great feeling about a particular cycle' and in response to such stories my internal dialogue usually went something like this: "What a load of BS... F^%$ off"... I definitely had a lot of anger brewing inside me... The last couple of days though I have been thinking a lot about 'women's' intuition or more specifically, my mumma-tuition... Certain things have happened that really do provide proof to the pudding (so to speak) lately.  

I can vouch for that feeling of 'just knowing' I was pregnant before I even took a test and boy, did I have a good feeling about this cycle. I suppose the first incident that really grabbed me and acted as a signal to say: this month is different, chill out! was Mother's Day in May. The lead-up to this day was particularly hard for me... I felt that I was robbed of this day of celebration and just the year before I was pregnant; my jeans got tighter that day and I had seen my baby on ultrasound, alive and well, just two days prior. My family do not know about our loss so I was struggling to find it in my heart to spend this day with them. In the end though I decided that spending such a day with the people I love was worth more to me than sitting at home crying (I have spent months of my life doing so!). Anyway, on with the story...

We had made plans for breakfast in a cosy cafĂ© by the beach which meant an early start and an hour of driving for me by myself. From the second I got into the car I saw signs all around me... I saw our obstetrician on her morning run (switching doctors for this pregnancy but that is another post!) which always makes me think of our lost baby and with that on my mind, I saw rainbows! Great, big, wonderful freaking rainbows! across the sky for my entire drive down the coast. I felt like the morning was electric and the universe was finally behind me in my quest. I know it sounds a little silly, but for me it was the equivalent of a reassuring hand on my shoulder. There were other little things that happened in May also... A lost Christmas card showed up in the mail from a co-worker expressing her well-wishes for a much better 2013, the mention of rainbows all the time... little things that spoke to me.

As for more intuitive feelings... I have a strong mumma sense that we are having a girl this time. I suppose I have a 50/50 chance either way so we'll see in good time! I also have a really good feeling about this pregnancy and I'm choosing to trust in that rather than worry.

I'm curious, have you experienced these sorts of feelings before? What did your mumma-tuition tell you? 



June 17, 2013

A mother of a blog return

My lovelies,

Thank you to those of you who have continued to follow this blog in my absence this year. Your messages of support and encouragement through what has been a very challenging part of our lives is forever appreciated. 

Without further ado I would like to share some very exciting news with you all... (Drum roll) 

Daniel and I are happy to announce that come February of next year we will be welcoming a third member to our family! 



I have dreamed about seeing those two pink lines for such a long time so I just had to share! We are now six weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby!!!! 

I know it's only early days yet but with my return to this space I hope to share my pregnancy journey and also share on what it is that I have been doing these past few months in hopes that my experiences may help a reader or someone you know. A dialogue on pregnancy after miscarriage is hard to find so I intend to offer what I can of my experience. For the moment though, I can safely say that I feel very calm in this pregnancy and my intuition tells me that this is a strong baby. 

Stay tuned for more and thank you all once again! 
Sal xxx